Upset Daughter and Very Sick Mother- Might Miss Baby Shower

by Fran
(Buffalo, NY)

My daughter is 34, lives in NJ, pregnant with her first baby, now 7 months along. I live in Buffalo, NY. I just moved back here permanently in December. My 87 year old mom lives in Albion, 1 hour from me, needs our attention now and we are moving her back to Buffalo on April 1, which took time to plan. My mom now is having an angiogram and possibly angioplasty this Friday, and possibly further bypass March 21, and I may not be able to attend the baby shower on Saturday, March 22. Now it comes out that my daughter is upset with me and emotional that I may not be there at the shower and upset that I did not plan the shower for her. I just got back from my daughter's house after spending 4 days in her big house cleaning after all here renovations at her place. Her cousin planned the shower and has a big house whereby I have a very small condo. Am I wrong for not planning this shower. I asked the cousin if there was anything I can help with and said no there was nothing. Now I have a very upset daughter and a mother that may not make it through Friday's procedures.

Our Answer:

Oh Fran,

It makes me so sad to read this submission. I am not too familiar with the area so I googled the distance from New Jersey to Buffalo, New York. With the distance of 6 hours and 46 minutes, I am absolutely certain that there is no possible way that you can help out your daughter more than you already are. I think there are a few things that are playing out right now.

You sound like your are worn out. Taking care of an elderly parent and trying to be the world's greatest mom is a very hard position to be in. Your daughter is emotional because she is pregnant. It's that simple. Pregnancy hormones can be brutal. It is one thing to want your mom to be around for the baby shower and another to expect her to plan it when she lives almost 7 hours away.

You have done nothing wrong. You need to be with your mom right now. I know you feel torn between your mom and daughter, but you are wearing yourself out trying to be there for both of them.

My own mom lives almost 3 hours away and I would never expect her plan a baby shower and host it in my area. Sometimes moms are so great that we take it for granted that they will always be around to be there for us.

You are doing the best you can. Don't feel guilty if you are not able to be both places at once. Good luck with everything.